soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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