In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Randomize
