just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
