Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
