you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
