i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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