there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
