I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
