Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
