you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
