I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
