I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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