I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
