I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
