wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
what day is it and did you see me today?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
