I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
