Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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