life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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