So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need a beard to bite.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Randomize
