I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
