i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
