so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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