On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Randomize
