Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
there was a trapeze. enough said
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
