Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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