I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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