woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
