oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
