Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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