I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
