i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol