ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
