I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
