i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
