I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
