I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
