Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
