You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
