I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
