I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Randomize
