I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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