ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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