dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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