We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
