I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
