It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
