im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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