The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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