She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Randomize
