We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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