What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
I could make wine with my vomit
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I don't deserve a penis
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
