im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He passed out mid-signature
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
