You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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